CONGREGATION DORSHEI TZEDEK
BAR/BAT MITZVAH GUIDELINES
June 2004/Sivan 5764
Introduction
What is bar/bat mitzvah? Traditionally, this term does not refer to a ceremony but a time of life: upon reaching the age of 13, a young Jew becomes obligated to take on the mitzvot (“commandments”) of Jewish observance. Among the privileges of this new status are being counted in a minyan (the quorum for communal prayer) and being eligible to be called up to the Torah for an aliyah, to recite the Torah blessings. Although Reconstructionist Judaism is not centered around the observance of halacha (Jewish law), and so does not conceive of bar/bat mitzvah as a literal entry into a life of traditional observance of the mitzvot, bar/bat mitzvah remains an important rite of passage, both for the young person and his/her family. What, then, is the significance of the Reconstructionist bar/bat mitzvah?
A bar/bat mitzvah ceremony is an acknowledgment of a commitment to Jewish life and Jewish values. If we understand mitzvot as ritual and ethical pathways to meaningful connection with Jewish traditions, Jewish values, and Jewish community, then becoming bar/bat mitzvah signifies a young person’s commitment to understanding and exploring these pathways. In addition, the ceremony and preparation leading up to it are opportunities for family education as well as family celebration, and a chance for parents to reflect on what it means to hand on Jewish values and practices to the next generation.
Bar/bat mitzvah is an affirmation of Jewish learning. The bar/bat mitzvah ceremony is an opportunity for a young person to share the results of his/her study of Hebrew, Jewish prayer, Torah, and Jewish civilization.
Bar/bat mitzvah is a celebration of community, as we welcome the young person into the Dorshei Tzedek community as a Jewish adult—to be counted in our minyan for prayer, and to be called upon to read Torah and take on other responsibilities. We hope that this ceremony becomes a gateway to the young person’s involvement in the life of the congregation in new ways.
This booklet is intended to help in the process of planning your family’s bar/bat mitzvah celebration. It includes both communal expectations as well as suggestions for how to make the ceremony, and the process leading up to it, the most meaningful and joyful possible. Each family will meet separately with the rabbi approximately one year before the ceremony, to go over the entire process in detail. In addition, family education sessions will be required as part of the preparation process.
The following sections include expectations and requirements for the bar/bat mitzvah ceremony and the study leading up to it; opportunities to give tzedakah; a discussion of aspects of the ceremony itself; and logistical details and suggestions. All requirements or expectations are in bold type-face. There is also a check-list for you convenience at the end of the booklet. We ask that you read the entire booklet carefully, however. Any additional questions you have can be brought to the rabbi or the b’nei mitzvah coordinator, Miranda Phillips.
Communal Expectations
Membership
The bar/bat mitzvah ceremony takes place in the context of community. It is an acknowledgment of the young person taking his/her place as an adult in the broader Jewish community, and also within the Dorshei Tzedek community. For this reason, families are expected to be members in good standing of Congregation Dorshei Tzedek for two full years prior to the bar/bat mitzvah ceremony. “In good standing” includes all dues and fees payments being in order before the ceremony. Exceptions to this rule must be discussed with the rabbi. We are aware that this requirement might mean that a young person celebrates his/her bar/bat mitzvah somewhat later than his/her 13th birthday.
The Service
Bar/bat mitzvah ceremonies take place during a regular Dorshei Tzedek Shabbat Shacharit (morning) service. While we want to make the service as inclusive and reflective of the bar/bat mitzvah’s family as possible, it is important to remember that this is also a service for the congregation, and will maintain the structure and feel of a regular Dorshei Tzedek service. As a community, we want to encourage members to attend one another’s simchas (joyous occasions) just as we would support one another in times of sadness. All of the bar/bat mitzvah ceremonies are announced in the congregational newsletter, and you will be asked to submit a brief announcement that includes a bit of information about the bar/bat mitzvah and his/her interests to the newsletter, so that everyone can get to know a little bit about him/her before the event.
Celebrations following the service
While a lunch or evening party following the ceremony can be considered private events, there is an expectation that all those present for the ceremony will be invited to the kiddush following the service. We encourage families to provide a light kiddush lunch for everyone present, if possible, and to schedule the family event for later in the day. If you are planning a separate luncheon, please be prepared to offer a light kiddush of fruit, desserts, etc. following the service. If this presents a financial difficulty, please do not hesitate to speak with the rabbi to make arrangements.
At the Dorshei Tzedek religious school, one of our goals is to foster a sense of Jewish community among our youth. This is an important community wide-value, as reflected in the first line of our congregational mission statement: "Dorshei Tzedek is a Reconstructionist congregation dedicated to creating a caring and inclusive community…" Please keep this value in mind as you plan your bar/bat mitzvah celebration. The Education Committee strongly encourages students to attend the bar/bat mitzvah services of their classmates, in order to support one another and to learn the Jewish value of celebrating together as a community. In planning parties to which members of the religious school class are being invited, families should make every effort to be inclusive of all members of the class, in order that no child feel left out.
Preparation & Requirements: “On Three Things”
In the Mishnah, the earliest collection of rabbinic teachings, we find this saying: “On three things the world stands: on Torah, on avodah (prayer), and on gemilut chasadim (deeds of lovingkindness)” (Pirkei Avot 1:2). Our children’s Jewish education is based upon this three-fold formula, and the bar/bat mitzvah process reflects it as well.
1) Torah/Learning
“Torah” refers to the first five books of the Bible, but also to Jewish learning in the broadest sense. The bar/bat mitzvah ceremony represents the culmination of the first stage of a young person’s Jewish study. For Reconstructionist Judaism, “Torah” encompasses all the richness of Jewish culture—including Hebrew language, Bible and other sacred texts, music and literature, and Jewish history.
Our assumption is that the child approaching bar/bat mitzvah age will have been enrolled in the Dorshei Tzedek religious school—or another supplementary or Jewish day school—beginning sometime between the ages of five to eight. We understand that in some cases a child might not have received a prior Jewish education: in that event, the young person must be involved in ongoing Jewish education for at least two full years before the bar/bat mitzvah ceremony, at a minimum of 4 hours of study per week. Please be aware that this requirement might mean holding a bar/bat mitzvah ceremony at some point beyond the young person’s 13th birthday. If your child is not enrolled in the Dorshei Tzedek religious school or a day school, please schedule an appointment with the rabbi to discuss the educational requirements as soon as possible.
We recognize that different children have different strengths and capabilities, and we want to make sure that preparing for the bar/bat mitzvah ceremony does not become a stressful burden. With the caveat that children’s special needs and abilities will always be taken into account, these are the specific components of bar/bat mitzvah preparation:
· Competence in Hebrew reading. B’nei mitzvah (“b’nei” is the plural of “bar/bat”) are expected to be able to read portions of the Shabbat liturgy as well as selections from the Torah and haftarah (prophetic reading).
· Ability to leyn (chant) from the Torah scroll, and the haftarah. Each student will work with a private tutor to learn the trope, the traditional modes of chanting Torah and haftarah. It is recommended to begin this preparation 8-10 months before the bar/bat mitzvah ceremony, depending on the student’s facility with Hebrew and singing. Please contact the Rabbi or the Education Director for a list of possible tutors.
· Preparation and delivery of a d’var Torah, “Torah talk.” B’nei mitzvah have a few options for this part of their ceremony:
a) Study his/her Torah portion and/or haftarah, and prepare a 10-15 minute talk or discussion based on those readings.
b) Research some aspect of Jewish culture or history and prepare a talk/presentation on that topic. The project should reflect the bar/bat mitzvah’s interests and talents, and could be anything from an art project (e.g. creating a topographical map of Israel, or designing and making a ritual object) to personal interviews (e.g. researching family history, or interviewing people about their God beliefs) to an extensive tikkun olam (social justice) project. Projects must be discussed and confirmed with the rabbi.
Over the course of the year preceding the ceremony, the rabbi will meet with each student four times to discuss the Torah portion and help him/her prepare the d’var Torah. In addition, the upcoming b’nai mitzvah class and their parents are expected to attend the family education sessions held in the 6th & 7th grade years.
2) Avodah/Worship
Communal prayer is a central component of Dorshei Tzedek’s life as a community, and so we expect our b’nei mitzvah to have familiarity with our Shabbat morning service. In addition, knowledge of the service is an important connection to Jewish communities around the world. Part of becoming a Jewish adult is figuring out what role prayer will—or will not—play in one’s life. As a community, however, we affirm the value of each Jew being able to participate in religious services and to be able to make a decision about prayer from a place of knowledge and experience.
To that end, b’nei mitzvah learn to chant segments of the Shabbat morning service, as well as the blessings before and after the reading of the Torah and haftarah. There are minimum requirements for service-leading, but each bar/bat mitzvah is encouraged to lead as much as s/he is able and interested. B’nei mitzvah learn portions of the service as part of the religious school curriculum, and will also be trained by their tutor and/or the rabbi.
In order to gain familiarity with the Shabbat morning service in general, and with our Reconstructionist service in particular, each student (along with a parent) is required to attend Shabbat morning services twice a month in the year leading up to the bar/bat mitzvah. If you are busy attending b’nei mitzvah services at other synagogues, then one service at another synagogue can count towards the monthly requirement, and the other at Dorshei Tzedek.
3) Gemilut Chasadim/Acts of Lovingkindness
Caring for others, by giving of one’s time and material possessions, is a fundamental Jewish value. As part of their preparation for becoming full members of the Jewish community, b’nei mitzvah are required to become involved in some sort of social action (“tikkun olam”) project in the year leading up to their ceremony. This can include volunteering at a soup kitchen, tutoring someone in need, raising money for a worthy cause, or any other project that involves giving of one’s time and energy and care for those who are in need. This can also be a family project. (See section on “Tikkun Olam” – the last section in the booklet -- for more details).
A Note on Special Needs
It is important to reiterate that every Jew becomes bar/bat mitzvah when they turn 13, regardless of what ceremony they may or may not have. Congregation Dorshei Tzedek is committed to making this important life cycle celebration accessible and meaningful to all of its members, including those young people who have disabilities that make it difficult or impossible to participate in all of the ways outlined above. In such cases, a special program of preparation will be worked out in consultation with the rabbi and the education director.
Choosing a Date
As our congregation—and the number of children reaching bar/bat mitzvah age—grows, we need to carefully schedule bar/bat mitzvah celebrations so as not to conflict with one another or with other congregational functions. While it is traditional to hold the bar/bat mitzvah ceremony on a Shabbat closely following the young person’s 13th birthday, any time after that birthday is appropriate. Traditionally girls become adults at the age of 12, not 13, and so there is some flexibility in scheduling a bat mitzvah before the 13th birthday.
Dates must be chosen and confirmed in consultation with the Rabbi and bnei mitzvah coordinator. Dates should be chosen at least one year in advance, and no more than two years in advance.
The Ceremony
Planning the Service
In the weeks preceding the ceremony, the rabbi meets with each family to go over the service, discussing both the bar/bat mitzvah’s participation and opportunities for involvement for other family members and friends. This is also a time when the family can make any special requests (like a favorite tune!).
Honors & Family Participation
There are a number of ways to involve family members and friends in the ceremony. You can give five of the eight aliyot (the honor of being called up to the Torah) to your friends and family. (The remaining 3 aliyot are saved for the following people: the bar/bat mitzvah, the parent(s), and any congregants who have a special occasion they want to mark spontaneously). Other honors include chanting a portion of Torah, opening and closing the ark, lifting and wrapping the Torah after the reading, and doing readings in English during the service. If a younger sibling (or siblings) would like to be involved, please let the rabbi know.
Our policy is to reserve the role of service leader for the rabbi and/or members of Dorshei Tzedek, in addition to the bar/bat mitzvah. If you have a family member who would like to lead a prayer or a small section of the service, please consult with the rabbi.
As you know, the bar/bat mitzvah ceremony is an opportunity for family members (especially parents, if they’d like!) and close friends to share the honor of chanting from the Torah along with the bar/bat mitzvah student. Our primary concern is both “quality control” and not to put undue pressure or possible embarrassment on the guest who is leyning (chanting Torah). While we are able to work fairly closely with a parent who decides to leyn (and if you are able to read Hebrew and would like to chant a section, please ask your child’s tutor to work with you), we are relying on you to make wise choices in terms of inviting others to leyn. In general, a bar/bat mitzvah is NOT a good time for a guest to chant Torah (“leyn”) for the first time; it is a fairly high-pressure situation. It would be better if you would only ask those people whom you know have experience leyning and who are strong Hebrew readers and very familiar with Torah trope. We strongly discourage someone from merely memorizing a portion without being able to read or without knowing trope. We also ask that anyone who is leyning do so from the Torah, not from the chumash (the book form of the Torah), and that they actually chant the portion. If you feel that you have a potentially awkward situation in regard to this with a family member, please be in touch with the rabbi.
Again, we do not want to discourage you from participating in this way – it’s a wonderful thing for a parent to do!
If there is a family member (or members) who do have some experience but need a refresher, your tutor should be able to make a tape for them, and may also be able to go over it with them by phone.
Any Torah readings that you do not give to family and friends can be easily assigned to congregants. 4-5 months before the ceremony, please contact your tutor, and the bnei mitzvah coordinator, Miranda Phillips. Let them know which of your family and friends have agreed to chant. Tell your tutor which folks will need tapes. And tell the bnei mitzvah coordinator how many readings need to be assigned to the general congregation.
A note on non-Jewish family members: At Dorshei Tzedek we want to include all members and friends of the family who are celebrating with the bar/bat mitzvah, while also honoring those rituals which are reserved for Jews. Non-Jewish partners/spouses may accompany a Jewish relative up to the Torah for an aliyah, but we ask that only the Jewish person actually recite the blessing. In addition, all other honors involving the Torah—opening the ark, lifting and wrapping the Torah at the conclusion of the reading—are reserved for Jewish friends and family members. Non-Jewish family members or friends can be invited to do English readings, and a
non-Jewish parents is invited to give his/her child a blessing along with the Jewish parent.
Childcare will be available during the service.
Photography:
It is our policy that no photos or videos can be taken during Dorshei Tzedek Shabbat services. We consider this an intrusion on the sanctity of the religious service and a violation of the spirit of Shabbat. Please communicate this to your guests. If you would like a “photo op” of your child reading from the Torah, this can be done in the week prior to the ceremony, when the bar/bat mitzvah will have the opportunity to read his/her portion from the Torah scroll.
Opportunities for Tzedakah
At a time when most kids are eagerly looking forward to what they’ll be receiving when they become bar/bat mitzvah, this is a wonderful opportunity to teach about the obligation to give part of what is ours to others, especially at a time of joy!
There are a few ways to make tzedakah an integral aspect of the bar/bat mitzvah process and the celebration itself. One is, as a family, to commit to giving a small percentage of what is being spent on the celebration to tzedakah. Dorshei Tzedek is a partner congregation with the non-profit organization MAZON: The Jewish Response to Hunger. As such, we have pledged to contribute 3% of the cost of any synagogue-sponsored celebrations to MAZON, which funds organizations and campaigns fighting hunger and poverty in the U.S. and abroad. We encourage all Dorshei Tzedek members to contribute 3% of the cost of the celebratory meal or party that you are planning for the bar/bat mitzvah to MAZON. Brochures are available in the office.
Additional Giving by the Family
It is traditional in many synagogues for a child’s close and/or extended family to make donations to the congregation or religious school in honor of the bar/bat mitzvah. Dorshei Tzedek welcomes and appreciates all such contributions!
It is also common for folks to incorporate tikkun olam into the bar/bat mitzvah party. Instead of traditional table decorations (flowers or balloons) one can use baskets of items to be donated after the event.
Additional Giving by Kids
1. Some young people choose to “twin” with a Jew in another part of the world, and so symbolically extend their bar/bat mitzvah celebration to a Jewish child in need. The North American Conference on Ethiopian Jewry (NACOEJ) facilitates this process with Ethiopian children in Israel, with a contribution going to help an Ethiopian student complete his/her education. For more information, contact NACOEJ at (212) 752-6340, or at NACOEJ@aol.com.
2. Kids often contribute some portion of their bar/bat present money to particular causes. They can do this in (at least) two ways:
A) You can include in the bar/bat mitzvah invitation a request that people make a donation to charity in lieu of a gift.
B) You can take some percentage of the total present money received and donate that to charity.
A very valuable place to donate such money is the Jewish Fund for Justice. To initiate young Jews into the practice of tzedakah, the mindful giving of money, the Jewish Fund for Justice (JFJ) has a wonderful program called Youth Endowment Funds. At the time of the bar/bat mitzvah a fund is established in the young person’s name, with contributions from family and friends (a total of $1,000 minimum is required). Every year the young person receives a report from JFJ telling him/her how much the fund has earned, and descriptions of three organizations that address the problems of young people who are poor in America. S/he then decides which group to support from the earnings of the endowment. For more information, contact JFJ at (212) 213-2113. Brochures about the Youth Endowment Fund are available at the Dorshei Tzedek office.
Closing
Preparing for bar/bat mitzvah is both an exciting and a potentially stressful time in a family’s life. Please know that the staff and membership of Dorshei Tzedek want to do everything possible to make this experience as meaningful and smooth as possible for you. Please call the rabbi (617-965-0330) with any questions you might have, and to set up an initial meeting.
The following selection from the Talmud is included in the Reconstructionist prayerbook as a blessing for b’nei mitzvah. May this kavannah, this intention, guide us as we prepare our children to become caring, committed Jewish adults:
May you live to see your world fulfilled, may you be our link to future worlds,
and may your hope encompass all the generations yet to be. May your heart
conceive with understanding, and may your mouth speak wisdom, and your
tongue be stirred with sounds of joy. May your gaze be straight and sure, and
your eyes be lit with Torah’s lamp, and your face aglow with heaven’s
radiance, your lips expressing words of knowledge, and your inner self alive
with righteousness. And may you always rush in eagerness to hear the words
of One more ancient than all time.